Hearts

I used to feel like this when I played Spoons.
You know, the game where you try to find matches, and when you do, you take a spoon? It's like musical chairs, but 100X worse. I would always get super anxious. I didn't want to lose. It pushed me to succeed, but I'm also sure took years off my life.
So when it returns, I know what it is.
I know what it feels like.
My heart is racing, threatening to burst out of my chest.
My stomach is turning, performing unique acrobatics.
My head hurts.
I try to breathe slow. Let the anxiety wash over me completely so it can wash away. It's like being trapped in a current. Sometimes you have to let go and stop fighting it and wait for it the swirls to pull you back up on the other side where you can breathe.
I find myself unconsciously holding my breath, and unable to control my thoughts. I decide to just try and make them stop. Halt them before they go where I don't want them to.
I want to fall asleep and not think again.
I shouldn't be surprised. And I'm not surprised. But that doesn't stop me from drowning.