Storm at Sea

It felt familiar in an unfamiliar way. I liked feeling understood. His touch sent fiery tendrils of meaning around my arms.

 Quiet solitude followed.

I imagine one day I won't have to learn my new self.

Everything familiar was part of a former identity. Everything new was part of a present identity. It felt so disorienting and dizzying. To have everything in my life change in a snap. I couldn't identify with my former self at all.

I had no compass in this new world. No steadying cardinal point. As such, my footing felt uncertain. It was like traveling. With no former knowledge of the area, I felt meek. Barely willing to dip my toes in the water. Of course I did, as always, dip my metaphorical toes. Even as I wandered wondering, where did I just come from? Which way do I go now? There was something...disconcerting. It was exciting to be sure. I could feel the adrenaline soaking my entire system. However, it gave me this lingering seasickness, almost like a hangover. All this time I never really felt at home, like I couldn't steady my gate. I had no mountains, my endless reference point, that told me exactly where I was.

I guess in that way it was also like driving or riding or racing with reckless abandon. Taking turns to sharp. You couldn't slow down, because you knew the moment you did, you would crash. Hitting the pavement would surely leave a mark. But racing around gave you this tired feeling after a while. Sure it was a rush, and like any junkie I enjoyed it. Unfortunately, like any drug, it's strung me out.

I wondered what I could do to re-center myself. It seemed like I was doing all the right things. Making new friends. Joining new clubs. Pursuing my interests. Instead this only further served to pitch me as I tried to buoy myself in new situations where I just didn't feel like I knew myself anymore.

But this was my life. This was me. Like any new situation, I had to ground myself and take stock of my surroundings and myself. Find my new cardinal points. Wait out the pitch and roll.