Years gone by

It's always sort of a shock to realize someone has lied to you.
But it had been so many years, so much water under the bridge, I found myself not caring that they lied, ruined a relationship, and acted viciously in the face of other people's happiness.
It was just so far away.
And who even knows what the truth is anymore?
I began to pour over my journals. Did you know I have a journal entry from 9/11/01? Aside from that small historical detail, I wrote about guys all the time. And not being accepted for who I was. I felt small butterflies flit in my stomach just remembering the days of awkward teenage angst. My world was so painfully small, growing pains were the worst.
Moving was like breaking through the water. Finally getting a breath of fresh air, relaxing in the sun. My chest was no longer constricted, moving slow and even. Realizing my stupidity, my complete immaturity...my inability to cope with the world around me, it made me sigh a small breath of relief. The worst years of my life were over. And I hadn't even realized they didn't need to be the worst, because it was all in my head. All the self-doubt, the loathing, seeing the world for the worst.
Maybe my awkwardness, my ugliness, my fear were small bits of an illusion. A design I manifested for myself, that I would only have to break free from years later. A caterpillar suffocating in a cocoon if you will. Only to fight the good fight, finally breaking free from all of it later, transformed.
My desire to show up people from my past lessened a little. I was better now, but who could say I wasn't fine all along?
My worlds were colliding, and I braced for impact, every nerve on alight.

"And then I hear you say, Thank God it's fatal, Thank God it's fatal. Not shy."
~ Heretics by Andrew Bird