Lorelai

It's a small wonder to me that Gilmore Girls isn't more popular than it is. That said, it was a show on the CW (eek?) and the series did end some time ago. Having the whole series on DVD (7 seasons), I watch it from time to time, and I seriously am beginning to see the sheer wittiness in the writing. I thought that Lauren Graham and Alexis Bledel were the shining stars here, and don't get me wrong, they are very shiny, but...cast in other roles, Lauren sometimes falls short. I love Alexis, but the blend of acting and writing here will never be matched for either of them. (at least it seems improbable) In any case, the quick, sure-fire, true-to-life lines entertain me after watching more than once. I love it.
In particular, I decided to start watching the last season. In the past, this hasn't been my favorite season to re-watch because well...it's a little depressing. It opens where Lorelai has just slept with Christopher after breaking up with Luke, and Rory awakens to Logan having left for London. Part of the show that also keeps me is the romance, lets be honest. Surprisingly, almost every time I watch the first kisses and I love yous, my heart skips a beat. It always seems new and fresh and beautiful. But the 7th season begins on a sour note. Romance is tough, love is hard. Looking at Lorelai, I identify with her. Feel the pain of a romance torn asunder. Doomed.
I thought about the stupid things I had done. I thought about sitting by the phone, sending angry text after angry text until one in the morning, waiting on the doorstep in the dark in my purple trench. I thought about that feeling when your stomach sinks and your heart clenches in on itself because you know you are doing something you'll regret, hoping it will change but knowing it never will. That sense of gloom knowing you wrecked so many first chances with so many second chances. Taking too long to let go.
Sometimes I can't believe that was ever my life. I can't believe the dark edginess my life was consumed by. Old records and dark walls, deep movies and edgy oddities. It was sort of an underworld of eccentricity. But probably more on the fringes of purgatory. Somewhere the dreams go to die, or at least rest a while. And it's ok, because life is still interesting. A bad combination of low self-esteem and lack of commitment.
Because it's shadowy, this part of my life likes to hide in the shadowy parts of me. A past shuddering at re-opening and re-examining. Sensitive, cringing in the light. I think about that heaviness that weighed on my heart, every day, and how the happiness in my life began to suffocate. Always in a last ditch effort to escape, there would  be a huge flutter of anxiety, a clash of white wings.
I look at Lorelai, and I see that pain. I see that crushing lifelessness. For a moment, I reflect and am thankful my life has made an upward turn.