Waves

It was a promise, soft and stifled, lost on the wind. I wanted to remember that promise. Of weightless mornings, and laughing evenings. Of complete unity and not looking to have to understand.
I had thought the edge of bitter loneliness has subsided. But it returned the next day in full force. The desire just manifested differently. Reminding me of lost opportunities and whispered promises.
He said to me:
"Don't take it personally."
"Don't harbor negativity."
I had only once before tried to let go of negative thoughts. And it had been in a time of dire need. Now, with these more trivial thoughts of negativity, I realized I had to get rid of it.
He had said he wrote down every negative thought, on paper or in his head, then crumpled it up and threw it away. When I had banished thoughts of him, I had imagined putting all thoughts of him in a box.
So now I tried something new.
Every time I had a thought of inadequacy or jealousy, I would let it wash away. Like a wave surging up the shore, I imagined my negative thought on that wave, pulled out to sea, pushed away from me with the water. Long gone before it could hurt me.
I wondered at why I was in this place. I hadn't been here in a long time, and I disliked the lack of control I felt. I hoped the sun would come soon, and silence the beast of winter.
The days seemed long, dark and cold. I festered in the silence and brooding of the season. And now I tried to let it wash away. The loneliness I felt would have to disperse. Seeking connection, I now found I was kind of repulsed by it. Violins sang me out alone, swelling with my mood. My new life would soon begin, all of it, just me.
It was interesting to me how water related and healed my life so frequently--how I had selected the images of washing things away to heal my negativity, and how it had done so many other things for me in the past.
I tried to let my frustrations go, and open myself.

"You could let it down, jump into the river baby. Easy as it sounds, it's never quite as easily done. The current has us now, it's ok. Take into account that it's all about to change. Who knows, who cares."

~ Who Knows Who Cares by Local Natives