Women

About 45 minutes into this presentation and I can feel the edges of my mind crinkling. It's all I can do to stop my vision from blurring.
Because sure, it's sad. And unfair. But it's distant and I feel helpless. My limbs are swollen, leaden. But what she has to say is so so important. So I hold on.
And then the Q&A begins.
This woman asks how she can help her loving husband see.
And suddenly my heartbeat flutters.
I don't know why this is important.
But as I shuffle my shoes waiting for my train, my thoughts form a coalition. And everything begins to gel in a real way.
First defeating thoughts come.
I feel like a failure to science.
I feel like a failure to women.
I don't feel like I'm meeting my true worth in my career.
Why do I feel this way?
What led me here?
Why can't I succeed?
What's stopping me?
Then the gear catches.
He's stopping me.
It's clear. It's a choice between him and me. He's chosen himself. And my default is to follow. Because I really, really don't want to lose.
I'm letting him trap me. Didn't he say? Didn't he say that he wanted his career to be more dominant? Slowly the realizion raises like the flush in my cheeks. I've let him decide he's more important. I've decided he's more important. I've become one of those girls I see as weak, one of those girls I despise. There's no equity in our relationship. There never was, and I'm very doubtful there ever will be.
He doesn't respect me.
And I don't give him a choice.
He's a fine enough man. But I'm clearly the lesser.
I want to tell myself this is my perception reader. But it's really not.