The words leapt up my throat and onto my tongue before I had noticed them, present again before they almost made the hasty transition out of my mouth. It was all I could do to trap them behind their enamel cage. I clenched my teeth tightly before they could roll out more easily than I could think them.
I felt them out of habit more than anything else. They were words of gratitude more than feeling. I felt them surge out of me as the waves of comfort rolled over my body. Contentment and calm and familiarity flooded me making my brain and mouth loose.
I wasn't ready for it. I wondered if I ever would be again. I wasn't ready to let those words into this space, with meaning and sincerity, not the accidental spill from my lips. Maybe one day I would be free from all the misgivings and feelings of loss that held me back. Maybe one day I would be ready to leap after learning me, inside and out.
For now, I think I could be happy. Just waiting. Just seeing. Just trying to mend the tiny cracks that had formed in my life.
"And I watch your convictions melt like ice cubes in an ocean. You were so poorly cast as a malcontent."
~ Mine's Not a High Horse by the Shins
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