Stupid Girl

It's that 1 am feeling.

Everything has rushed out of you. All hope, loss, fear, anger, happiness. You are so exhausted and left with the wind rustling through you. You can almost hear the faintest whistle as every feeling leaves and rushes out of your body.

And your head. It feels disconnected. Separate from your body. You can feel the universe, as if you've become a part of everything. Just floating. Maybe swimming in emptiness. It's a galaxy of emptiness and stars in your brain.

At least. Where your brain used to be.

It's a defeated feeling and a lost feeling. It's a feeling of submission but also of loneliness. It's facing oblivion, it's facing space. And knowing, once and for all, you are alone. Gasping into the wide open everything. You feel short of breath but also like there is so much to have. Like you have just emerged from a great depth and you don't have any faith that you'll have enough time to breathe. Like you may be deprived of breath soon. You simply can't get enough, no matter how long you gasp. And everything spans before you. You are so excited and terrified by the entirety of it all. The world is simply too big to be so alone. It's too much for just one person.

Paul Simon once said, "Losing love is like a window in your heart. Everybody sees you're blown apart. Everybody feels the wind blow." This feeling is sort of like that. This feeling of space. Like your body is emptying. Like you could simply fall out of the sky. Like a faulty satellite.

I felt that way floating in the deep ocean. Looking down into that dark, blue, empty space I felt the world leave me. Any knowledge of anything or anyone else was lost. I felt that if I stopped breathing, the emptiness would swallow me. Like I didn't even exist. My life was so insignificant in the face of this ocean. Just as when the world was sleeping, I was alone and gone. Just another speck of cosmic dust.

"You pretend you're anything. Just to be adored... don't believe in anything that you can't break. You stupid girl... all you had you wasted."

~ Stupid Girl by Garbage