Alone

Sometimes it pierces like a knife, in the most unexpected of moments.
I am driving home from work, shoulders shaking in the chill. It's already the sunset of fall, time is again passing too quickly. The last salute of the sun in 60 sensational shades of red cascading over the mountains are already fading. My favorite time has come and gone with a snap.
Tiny pinpricks of stars poke out from behind ghoulish mountains, increasing my melancholia. The snow makes them somber and intimidating. It is now, shivering in my car, my chest seizes with loneliness. I feel consumed and incapacitated by it.
At the core of it all it's not a desire to be loved, to be with someone, or even to receive affection. That would be too superficial, too simple. Underneath the minutia of my actions and feelings, it was this great yearning to be understood. To just have someone get me. My body pulsed with adrenaline talking late in the night, suddenly everything making sense as hours ticked away until dawn. There was this dark, passionate exchange and understanding. I missed being able to connect with someone in that honest way. Too hopped up on conversation and understanding to sleep.
I had once had everything figured out. I knew where my life was going. At least there was one solid plan. But I had taken a sledgehammer to that plan. Now, not only did no one else understand me, I didn't even understand myself. Which, as one can imagine, was terrifying for me. Not only did I have to figure out everyone else's thoughts, I also had to untangle mine.

"Boom, clap! The sound of my heart. The beat goes on and on and on and on and. Boom, clap! You make me feel good. Come on to me come on to me now."