Desert

For the first time I'm filled with apathy.
So what? bouncing off the walls of my skull.
So what?
It's both a revelation and a let down. I look at the road ahead of me, It's lonely. I have a compulsion to quit. To phone a friend in this unknown wilderness. That's not a choice. My feet crunch and the dulcet tones calm and silence me.
I spend a lot of time looking at the ground, as is my habit on hikes like this. Eyes trained on scrubby, gray-brown dirt flecked with pebbles. I look up, and I'm still just as far away as I was before.
Is this how it's going to be?
So what? my brain answers.
This is how it is.
Is that the sun setting?
So what?
It would be nice, I think, to be wrapped up quietly in bed. It would be nice, I think, to have someone there. Lots of things would be nice.
So what?
Like running into a tree, oof. I can't take those so whats anymore.
Alright I think. There's nothing else for it. I just have to keep moving forward. This can't last forever. This place has virtues of its own. The light is pretty, slanting like that, orange and radiant. Casting gold on all it touches. Even the quiet is pleasant every once in a while, the crunch of my shoes. This place is ok. And it won't last forever.  I might even miss the winding, crunchy grass and speckled pebbles. Sometimes desolation is its own art, sometimes it's not desolation at all.
Shut down the parts I don't want to listen to, and just hear the crunch.
Just see the sky.
Just feel the breath of wind.
Pull the curls from my face.
It's going to be ok.
This can't last forever.
Even if I wanted it to.