The Definition of Insanity

What was that clever little turn of phrase you used?
It came to me in bits and pieces, like shattered glass, sparkling. I still couldn't remember what it was. So looking hard, I found the closest quote the Internet could provide for me:

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results."

- Albert Einstein

It's ironic, isn't it? That everything you say your ex did to you I see reflected in our situation. Only I'm sitting on the wrong side of it.
Our equation is the same. I don't know what I want. You don't either. We get comfortable. I decide what I want. You say you can't provide it "atm." God I hate that acronym you use. It mocks me, makes me temporary, transient. I wait around for something to change. It doesn't. I'm unhappy.
I realize that these feelings I have are because when anyone treats you like a passing cloud, you most certainly are. There for the moment, but ever so wistful.
I try to say affirmations. They start with, "you don't have to do this." And "you deserve a life without games."
But in the end the affirmations always end the same. A quick repitition starts and pervades. Again and again. Like a virus.
"You are so stupid."
I'm suddenly berating myself, blaming myself. Sometimes I even laugh heartily as I say it, like it's a joke. You should have known, myself tells me. There are no different results. No matter how many individual moments bring you up for air, you're still drowning. It's a cruel joke.
You hear every door inside of you shutting, every happy thought blown away like wisps of smoke.
Shut shut shut. Somehow he shuts every door you begged him to let you open.
All with one word.
"Mostly."