There will be no more of ours lives together.
No more splitting salads, no more Beto's breakfast burritos, no more Twilight concerts, no more walking hand in hand in Trader Joe's, no more rollerblading in Liberty Park. Those days were over. And I felt the loss of everything we had deeply. I felt so lucky to have you, and so distraught to lose you.
But see, I couldn't stay.
There was no fighting. There was no yelling. But yet, I couldn't stay there and cry in your arms. I couldn't stay and split a meal with you. I couldn't pretend like everything was fine, like I was fine. You locked everything away, sat there with your emotions in check, a skill I have still not mastered, to this day. And perhaps this was the only day I had seen you let anything show.
I was sad the price I had to pay to see your emotions, something I had been looking for every day since we met.
In a way, your calmness and tranquility was a prize, however. I could yell, scream, cry, fight and you would just stand, cool. No waves on the smooth ocean waters. It brought me down a level.
I didn't want to go. I knew as soon as I left, it was really over. I didn't want to but I had to. I kept hope you would change your mind, but knowing you wouldn't, I was only indulging my want to be close to you. And indulging you as well. No, that wouldn't be like you to show anything. It wouldn't be like you to fight for us. So I had to let go. I had to walk away.
I felt the pain at everything I had done. But it was done. There was nothing else for it. I can't go back in time and change it. I can say sorry, and I'm certainly deeply, deeply sorry. I wish I could fix this chasm between us. But even if I built a bridge between us, I felt you wouldn't take it. So I had to walk away.
It seemed so silly, to quote something about love and loss to death, because I wasn't dead. You weren't dead. I was standing right here. I was alive. I wanted to be here. But there it was.
"Thank you for giving me our amazing 3 and almost 1/2 year infinity together."
I wanted to die every time I read it. Iron weights crushed my chest and needles pricked my eyes. It confused me and astounded me. I wanted to love you every minute of every hour of every day. But now I couldn't because it just hurt too much.
I had to leave because I knew that the longer I stayed the more it would hurt us. We had to face reality. Friends don't cuddle, like you said. And I didn't think I was strong enough for dinners and hikes and our old life without...us. If this is what you wanted (and I'm not convinced it is, but who am I to judge) then we had to face facts. The fact is, there is no us. And in the wake of us, it's going to take us a long, long time to heal. And we can't do it together without opening the wounds and splitting up the stitches.
I'm sorry it had to be this way too. No more movies, no more Game of Thrones, no more peanut M&Ms, no more corn mazes, no more us. It was a good life and I missed it. I missed it with every fiber of my being.
You taught me a lesson, and I would be sure never to forget it. I'm so sorry. I just can't do us anymore without us. I wanted you back, so so terribly. But I also had to be real. Moving on meant we had to be apart. For real.
Losing you was like throwing up. It hurt a lot, it made me sick, I couldn't sleep. All I could do was stay up all night, and all I could think about was what was happening. I knew some time soon the pain would be over. I would have to stop throwing up. But in that moment, I couldn't stop. I just kept throwing up. Someday my body would be empty, my eyes would droop, and the nightmare would be over. But for now, it just kept coming. The pain stayed at bay only long enough to let me catch a breath. The pain blocked any thoughts of anything else out.
I'll always love you, deep down in my soul. Please don't forget that. But how will I know? You didn't even tell me you read these posts when we were together. Maybe just the hope you know is enough.
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